Aries : March 21 – April 19
Idk maybe calm the fuck down… Jesus.
Taurus : April 20 – May 20
You’re almost (your age plus one), grow up.
Gemini : May 21 – June 20
I don’t hate geminis as much as everyone else seems to, you’re okay. You will have an alright day. Unless you have pisces as your rising sign. Then it will probably be bad.
Cancer : June 21 – July 22
You are reading the golden words newspaper.
Leo : July 23 – August 22
Nothing you do has ever been wrong. Keep doing what you’re doing.
Virgo : August 23 – September 22
Stop being so mean, also you don’t have to be such a try hard bitch.
Libra : September 23 – October 22
You should probably learn to drive or learn to drive better. It’s a real problem and no one knows how to tell you.
Scorpio : October 23 – November 21
Ew. you’re the worst and I hate you. You smell bad.
Sagittarius : November 22 – December 21
Sorry about your holiday season birthday, you probably had a weird childhood. Remember to go outside today.
Capricorn : December 22 – January 19
You’re not going to get that job. Also I have never met a Capricorn, do you exist?
Aquarius : January 20 – February 18
You don’t get to have a horoscope, nothing will happen to you today.
Pisces : February 19 – March 20
Stop crying lol, you’re really annoying.