I Bet You Anything that Gollum from The Lord of the Rings Has a Tight Bussy
Munky Zunkle 
Alright. Supposedly, the two hobbits, Frodo and Sam, make their journey from the Shire to Mount Doom in a span of 7 months or so. They meet Gollum about 2 months into their journey, so that’s a given 5 months that they’re spending a fair amount of time together. If you’ve seen the entirety of the trilogy, you’d know that Sam ousts Gollum as a heinous fiend from the get-go. Frodo comes to his defense because “oh he can show us the way to Mordor” but what kind of bullshit excuse is that? It’s a desolate wasteland back in the Shire as far as the dating scene goes.
Suffice to say, Frodo is one sexually deprived hobbit. The moment he saw Gollum, he knew he’d make that feisty little gremlin his submissive bottom. You might think that’s a bit far-fetched, but they literally tie up Gollum on a leash within five minutes of meeting him. Samwise was probably like “Master Frodo there’s no way we can keep this guy around. I am 100% confident he is going to try to murder us.” Frodo, trying to quench his thirst, was probably like “oh haha well it’ll probably be fine if we tie him up mmmm what a bad boy.” They then go on their merry way. Gollum sabotages their journey on SEVERAL occasions and Frodo, being tremendously down bad, is like, “oh no Sam they tortured him, that’s just how he is, don’t hurt my little boy please.” There’s absolutely NO way the circumstances were anything other than what I’ve just described.
Throughout the WHOLE movie, Gollum obsesses over “my precious” which is blatantly a nickname he gave for Frodo’s meaty shlong. A common fan theory is that Gollum is possessed by the ring. Peter Jackson, the director of the movie, even perpetuates this belief whenever he can, but I know better. J.R.R. Tolkien, the author of the original books, did the same during his lifetime. It’s obvious they’re too embarrassed to acknowledge the romantic relation between the hobbit and the creature because the fan base ran with the widely accepted false interpretation for so long. Gollum is not possessed by the ring; rather, he is possessed by Frodo Baggins’ immense package. I’m mildly suspicious that Samwise is jealous of this dynamic, as he desires Frodo all to himself. If he can get rid of Gollum, then that journey to Mount Doom will be a ride of a lifetime.
This theory is proven true in the third movie, Return of the King, when Samwise immediately rushes to be Frodo’s lover after Frodo and Gollum have an argument and take a break from their intense relationship. What a fucking simp. Gollum, who has developed strong feelings for Frodo, doesn’t want to give up on him just yet, so he chases after the love of his life all the way to Mount Doom. Upon his arrival, he sees Samwise carrying Frodo! Assuming Frodo has already moved on, Gollum fights Frodo with the utmost passion for betraying his heart. This culminates in his untimely demise as he plummets into the lava. The level of tragedy this scene exhibits is no match for the likes of Romeo and Juliet. At the end of the movie, when Frodo joins Gandalf to the great beyond, the only thing on his mind is what could have been: an eternity with his one true love with a tight, tight bussy. Gollum.
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