Hello friends, foes, and all of your toes! What’s the best thing about Switzerland? I honestly don’t know, but the flag is a big plus! What do you call a lion with a flower in its mane? A dande-lion! What’s the difference between a marine biologist and a dog? One wags its tail and one tags a whale! There’s three friends and their names are poop, stupid, and manners. Poop falls into a mud puddle, so stupid and manners go looking for help. Stupid finds a police officer, and in a panic says “Please help me! My good friend Poop fell into a mud puddle!” The cop goes, “Hey, slow down there, what’s your name?” Stupid replies, “Stupid.” the police officer goes “What the- Where are your manners?!?” Stupid replies “Manners? Oh they’re just down the street!” Helium walks into a bar and orders a drink, he asks the bartender “how much?” The bartender goes “For you, sir? No charge!” The bartender then goes to serve a bear. the bear goes “I’ll have a rum… and coke.” the bartender goes “why the long pause?” the bear, looking at his hands, replies “oh, I don’t know, I was just born with them!”
Anyway, did you guys happen to hear about the claustrophobic astronaut? Yeah… the guy was just looking for a bit of space. Anyway, wanna know why scientists don’t actually trust atoms? It’s because they literally make up everything. Speaking of science, hear about that book about defying gravity? I heard you just cannot put it down. Y’all wanna know a way to kill a hipster? Drown them in the mainstream. What about moses, wanna know how he makes tea? He brews. And Charles Dickens, did you hear about what’s in his spice cabinet? It’s full of the best of thymes and the worst of thymes. Wanna know why you’ve never heard the number 288 in conversation? Because it’s two gross. What happens to a frog’s car when it breaks down? It gets toad away! Wanna know how to discover the sex of a chromosome? Unzip their genes! What do you call April Fool’s day for a donkey? April Mules! I really would start eating clocks, but i’ve heard it’s just so darn time consuming. Have you heard about the guy who crushes cans? Yeah that job must be soda pressing. What do you call a fake noodle? An impasta. Some guy tried to eat my doritos, had to tell him “Hey sir, thats Nacho Cheese!”
Did any of you happen to hear about the produce bandit? Yeah, they caught him when he stopped to take a leek. Wanna know when the moon is broke? It’s when it’s down to its last quarter! What’s the easter bunny’s favourite type of music? Hip-hop of course! And what about its favourite restaurant? IHOP! Bunnies are actually the luckiest animal, why? Because it’s got four rabbits’ feet of its own! Why was 6 afraid of 7? Arson. What do you call a sad dog? Mellon collie. I heard that a dog’s favourite type of homework is a lab report, what a concept! What does a snowman take when he’s having a stressful day? 40 mg THC. jk, a chill pill! How did the cell phone propose to its significant other? It gave them a ring! Where was Dracula’s favourite place to shop when he was in college? Forever 21! Did Adam and Eve ever have a date? No! They had an apple! I really want to be cremated when I die because it’s my last chance to get a smokin’ hot bod!
*This editorial is dedicated to the rain for raining horizontally.