Jacob Bellini So hey all I’m pretty excited about this job. I don’t really know what it is, but I guess I’ll introduce myself. My name is Jacob and I am hot. That’s probably why I haven’t heard of this… Golden Words. Anyways for all you nerds, I am your new and improved Editor!
So Golden Words… I guess it’s a blog? I hypothesize this as the past Editor only ever writes Barbie movie reviews. There are a lot of strange traditions that these editors follow, so I guess I’ll talk a little about how I will be keeping these traditions alive. I think I’ll start with the Barbie.
I’ll give a quick review of the elephant in “Barbie and the Island of Something”. Barbie is trapped on a desert island since a child and she is friends with like a racoon and an elephant. Now this elephant is made by someone who was given a loose description of what an elephant is. It was a slimy grey fuck whose body was just a cylinder. Its head was just a human head with fucking stupid human teeth and a goddamn giant floppy trunk that clips through the rest of the head. That’s just the horrifying appearance. This elephant had a terrible personality to the core. Her whole storyline was based on sabotaging Barbie as she tried to get with this hot prince, because she was a jealous stupid elephant with goddamn human teeth. Just the thought of this stupid animal makes me viscerally angry so I’m gonna move on for now. Fuck, I can’t stop thinking of that elephant. Please, please, please, look up “elephant barbie princess island”. I am just so angry I can’t control myself, I support poachers now so we don’t ever need to see one of these dumb looking fucks again.
The next tradition, and why I was hired, was to look goofy as fuck. So as many of you know, Spencer and Zoe had yee-yee ass haircuts for their entire runtime, and for some reason, every year, each successive Editor manages to look fucking stupid. Noticing this, I let my girlfriend hack away at my hair before my interview, and surprise surprise, I got the job. I suppose the reason is that it makes all the readers feel better about themselves when they see the editorial pictures. Pretty genius really.
Another tradition of the Golden Words Editors (actually started by the previous editors) is the tradition of wearing diapers all day for the entire press night. I don’t mind shitting myself all day (like the current editors are so fond of), but building up in only one diaper a day is a bit much. If you want a more in depth explanation of this will-be century long tradition of shitting oneself, read the editorial of Haneen.
This beautiful tradition comes from how the Editors like to smell like shit on press nights, again in an attempt to make the staff, who likely smell terrible themselves, feel comfortable and welcome. Years ago, this simply worked as a year long lent where they gave up deodorant, soap, and bathwater in general. Last year, Seth and Oren had to step up their game, and transitioned into shitting themselves on the daily so that we could smell them, even if press nights were online. Truly a wonderful and selfless tradition that I want to uphold for years to come.
